Humor


Dear Diary: What a Weak Week

Monday:

Dear Diary,

We don’t live in the same house anymore. After reading in a newspaper that most accidents happen within a 20 km radius from home, we moved 21 km away.

Tuesday:

Dear Diary,

I’m sorry. I can’t give you my new address. The previous occupants took the numbers with them. They wanted to keep their old address!

Wednesday:

Dear Diary,

My wife was so excited about our new house that she locked the car keys in the car. It took her more than three hours to get me out the car! She couldn’t even phone for help as I had the phone.

Thursday:

Dear Diary,

Now that we know that most accidents happen within a 20 km radius from home, we’re seriously considering buying a motor-home and just keeping on driving!

Friday:

Dear Diary,

All our problems are over! The case is solved! We’re moving in with the kids in THEIR home, so all the accidents that happen within a 20 km radius from home will be THEIR problems. We’ll be safe!!!

Saturday:

Dear Diary,

Oh, dear! My son’s dog ate my dictionary, so I had to take the words right out of its mouth. My son just nonchalantly said it was an accident! I think we’ll have to move again.

Sunday:

Dear Diary,

We’re back in our old house. To effectively safeguard ourselves against most accidents that happen within a 20 km radius from home, we simply got rid of our GPS. So, now we don’t know where we are and neither do those pesky accidents!

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Please scroll down to view our accident free home.

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Keep on scrolling, you’re nearly there.

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You’re most welcome to stop by for a cup of tea when you’re in our vicinity.

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If you enjoyed this article, please feel free to pass it along to your friends.

All that I ask is that you include the copyright and URL of my website.

© Emil Kirstein

(Author of Quest for Freedom)

http://kirsteinonline.com

 

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PUNCTUATION

I was digging through some old emails the other day and discovered this precious snippet illustrating the importance of punctuation. I would love to give credit to the original source but unfortunately that genius is unknown to me. I adapted it somewhat, and so here it goes…

A grammar teacher handed a piece of unpunctuated text to her grammar students, told them that it was a letter, and instructed them to punctuate it correctly. Two completely different versions emerged as winners in that exercise.

VERSION 1:

Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy—will you let me be yours?
Gloria

VERSION 2:

Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria

AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY?

Incorrect punctuation can get you into deep, deep doo-doo!

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If you enjoyed this article, please feel free to pass it along to your friends.

All that I ask is that you include the copyright and URL of my website.

© Emil Kirstein

(Author of Quest for Freedom)

http://kirsteinonline.com

THE WAITING ROOM

“Come, Penny! Come an’ sit here with Mommy.” Her gentle voice reached out across the waiting room to the little girl pushing the magazines around on the table. Some patients looked at the little girl playing with the magazines, whilst others briefly glanced at the petite mother before continuing to browse through their magazines.

The baldheaded old man who sat opposite the mother, frowned, glared at her and grunted, “Penny! Umph! What a name to burden the child with!”

All eyes were immediately focused on the grumpy old man. He surely got everybody’s attention. The mother looked rather bewildered and sheepishly responded with a soft, “What do you mean?”

The old man went into a coughing fit—a serious congested cough. Some patients put hankies in front of their mouths and noses—swine flu being the buzz word. Settling down after the coughing episode, the old man started his tirade, “Do you know what a penny’s worth? It’s absolutely worthless! Worthless, I tell you!

“In my day a penny had value, but today—it’s worthless, worthless. Do you know what the recession has done to my savings? The stock market has crashed and every penny I’ve saved over a lifetime has become worthless—worthless, I tell you. And inflation! Do you realize what inflation has done to my pension? Every time I go into a supermarket I get less stuff in my trolley for my weekly allowance. My money has become worthless! And then you name this little child, Penny! Do you realize that every time you call her, you’re calling her ‘Worthless!’ Shame on you!”

There was a stunned silence in the waiting room. All who had to cough suppressed it. All who had to sneeze kept it in. The atmosphere seemed more like that of a funeral parlor than a doctor’s waiting room. The silence was broken as the old man went into another coughing fit.

The petite mother was taken aback and her complexion swayed between shocked pale and embarrassed pink. Tears started to role from her eyes as she softly muttered, “Penny is short for Penelope.”

The old man discharged the second barrel of his double gauge barrage, “Penny—short for Penelope! Umph! Why didn’t you rather use ‘Elope’ as a short name. Then she would’ve been able to run away from this mess we’re all in, instead of being worthless in the middle of it!

“Woman, don’t you know the importance of a name? If your name’s ‘Stupid’ and everybody calls you by your name, you start responding to ‘Stupid’ and eventually you not only believe you’re ‘Stupid,’ but you actually start behaving ‘Stupid.’ And then finally, you simply are ‘Stupid!’ Do you understand what I’m saying? What’s your name, anyway? No, rather don’t tell me. By you calling your child ‘Worthless’ I can easily guess your name, personality and character.”

The receptionist interrupted the spectacle, and said, “Mr. Spike Thorne? The doctor is ready to see you now. You may go through.”

___________________________________________________________

If you enjoyed this article, please feel free to pass it along to your friends.

All that I ask is that you include the copyright and URL of my website.

© Emil Kirstein

(Author of Quest for Freedom)

http://kirsteinonline.com


BIO-OPTIC ORGANIZED KNOWLEDGE

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named BOOK.

BOOK is a revolutionary break-through in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere—even sitting in an armchair by the fire—yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages.  Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

BOOK never crashes or needs rebooting—though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move backwards and forwards as you wish. Many come with an “index” feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS).

(Original source unknown)

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If you enjoyed this article, please feel free to pass it along to your friends.

All that I ask is that you include the copyright and URL of my website.

© Emil Kirstein

(Author of Quest for Freedom)

http://kirsteinonline.com


HAIR

∞ § ∞ § ∞ § ∞

I’ve got hair in my ears

I’ve got hair in my nose

I’ve got hair on my back

I’ve got hair on my toes

I’m getting older

∞ § ∞ § ∞ § ∞

Hair all over my clothes

Hair all over my bed

Need some hair on my teeth

Need some hair on my head

I’m getting even older

∞ § ∞ § ∞ § ∞

My hair is changing style

My hair is graying fast

My hair is thinning out

Me having hair is past

I’m really getting old

∞ § ∞ § ∞ § ∞

__________________________________________________________

If you enjoyed this article, please feel free to pass it along to your friends.

All that I ask is that you include the copyright and URL of my website.

© Emil Kirstein

(Author of Quest for Freedom)

http://kirsteinonline.com

The other night I dreamt that God had installed SCRAP—a Sophisticated Computerized Responder Answering Prayer.

I dreamt that, as usual, I was talking to God whilst in the shower. All of a sudden a voice came through the showerhead, “Thank you for calling heaven.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I’d never had such a clear response to prayer before. Neither had I ever experienced that kind of response! I thought that I must’ve imagined it all, and continued to talk to God. Again the showerhead answered, “Thank you for calling heaven. Please select one of the following options: press 1 for praise and thanksgiving; press 2 for prayer requests; press 3 for confession and forgiveness; press 4 for complaints; and for all other enquiries, please hold the line and the next available operator will answer your call.”

My mind raced through the previous evening’s dinner: nothing out of the ordinary. I checked my forehead for fever: nothing more than the warmth of the shower was in evidence. I wondered whether I was busy losing my mind!

The voice continued, “You haven’t pressed anything. Your call will be transferred to an operator. We are experiencing a high volume of international prayers at the moment. I’m sorry; all of our operators are busy helping believers, so please stay on the line. You are number eight million six hundred and forty three thousand seven hundred and ninety two. Your call will be answered in approximately eighty six minutes. If you want us to call you back when your turn in the queue has come, press 1. Otherwise, continue to hold.”

I turned the shower off and stood there totally dumbfounded. God going high-tech? I’m a number in a queue of millions? Impossible!

Soft worship music started to play in the background as the voice continued, “To expedite your call, you should now enter your identity number and press the pound key. Then enter your PIN and press the star key. Please be patient. Your prayer will be answered.”

It felt as if the shower cubicle had shrunk and become too small for me. So, I literally jumped out and stood there in the bathroom—dripping wet… dripping wet in my face… from perspiration… caused by anxiety!

I opened my eyes and realized that it’d all been a dream—a bad, bad dream. Before I was even properly awake, I fell out of bed onto my knees and gave thanks to God that I can talk to Him directly—through Jesus my Lord.

I’m so thankful that there isn’t any SCRAP between God and us.

Aren’t you too?

__________________________________________________________

If you enjoyed this article, please feel free to pass it along to your friends.

All that I ask is that you include the copyright and URL of my website.

© Emil Kirstein

(Author of Quest for Freedom)

http://kirsteinonline.com

Exhaustion… Fatigue… Tiredness…

Know these words? Ever use them? Ever experience the real meaning of these words? Think you are alone? Well…

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THIS TIRED?

I’m sharing these stunning photos of animals. I do not know who took the photos or who compiled the collage. All credit goes to them.

AND THE BEST COMES LAST…

Original source unknown.
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If you enjoyed this article, please feel free to pass it along to your friends.
All that I ask is that you include the copyright and URL of my website.

© Emil Kirstein, 2009
http://kirsteinonline.com

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